Monday, August 11, 2008

'That's it': I'm blogging a personal ad.

here is what i'm 'looking for':
  • someone who 'eats well'. if you make your body smell good by eating food that is good for you, foods without shitloads of preservatives and fake sugars, stuff that isn't sitting around in freezers for months, that 'would be nice'. i want someone who will pressure me to eat better, too. i realize this excludes a good portion of the population by no fault of their own. like, what if my 'dream guy/girl' is a hobo? well, then s/he probably wouldn't be reading this blogpost. if you take the time to eat well, you will smell good naturally without deodorant and perfumes and your skin will feel nice and then you can be 'my girl'.
  • someone who creates something for fun -- any sort of 'art' thing -- on a regular basis, without any pretense to it's importance in the 'world'. if you can create something and then give it away for free without feeling like a martyr, that is good. if you can create something and think 'this does not mean anything to the majority of living things on this planet' and be ok with that, that is good. it is 'acceptable' if you sometimes sell the art things that you make, or if the art that you do corresponds to what you want to 'do for a living'. Ann Beattie, if you are reading, i will not begrudge you the fact that you 'make your living' as an 'author'. please divorce your significant other if you have one and find me. please eat broccoli for days before finding me. i don't think that you are 'old' -- only 'distinguished'.
  • someone who is not flamboyant or dramatic. at the same time, someone who is not diminutive. if you find yourself 'slipping away' from parties without telling anyone because you have not said anything all night, not because you don't have anything to say, but because you don't feel like saying those things, why not slip into my bed to snuggle the night away? we can talk about David Hockney or something. i don't know.
  • someone who likes cats, the film Ghostbusters, and non sequitur. a lot.
what i am willing to give:
  • 10% of all earnings while you are 'with' me. i will tithe to you like a church.
  • massages. any kind. any time.
  • 'undying' support in all emotional/artistic/intellectual endeavors when wanted.
  • oral sex, rim jobs, and other things of the sort.
  • i am willing to shut up and listen. in fact, i guarantee that i will like to listen to you more than i like to talk. i will be a 'church mouse'. i will look at you a lot. i will remember everything you say.
  • honesty.
  • access to all of my material possessions.
  • probably a lot more that i can't think of right now.

if this sounds good to you, please 'wink' in the comment box.


Stephen Daniel Lewis said...

i feel bad that i am a hobo

shanti said...

this reminds me that the only thing i have to offer the world is that i like cats a lot.

John said...


cassandreamy said...

not to be confused with a 'wink' - i'd just like to thank you for posting this. thanks.

buckleyblog said...

Sign me up for a rim job.

chuibreg said...


taypee said...

This is a very good personal ad, and I think it's going to pay off for you.

annie h. said...

'ghostbusters' is the midnight movie at liberty hall in october; this is a formal invitation.

Robert J. said...

stephen, you are not a hobo. shanti, see email. john, "'wink' yourself". cass, why 'thanks'? coat, spread 'em. taypee, who are you, again? annie, good.

Kendra Grant Malone said...

peanut. you should really post a picture. sure these all sound nice. but what if you only have one eye?

Robert J. said...

kendra, what does peanut mean? someone here calls me peanut. did you read their mind? it is ok if you or i or anyone has only one eye. bob creeley only had one eye and he was pretty good.

Kendra Grant Malone said...

yeah- but i wouldn't fuck creeley with the lights on. and im a big lights on girl. im just being honest and practical here.

peanut is a term of endearment. i like calling people that. or sweet pea.

Chloe Jones said...

You know you'd have to fight me for Ann Beattie, right. I think I can 'take' you.

cassandreamy said...

'thanks' because for some minutes i was amused. i like being amused.