Sunday, April 20, 2008

Guess what!



I have a book coming out on FC2!

I just made a date with the beautiful musician girl sitting next to me at the coffee house!

I just finished grading my students papers!

I just won a poker tournament for a $2500 payday!

My hair seems to be growing back and the bald spots in my beard are finally filling in! Doctors say this happens sometimes! I just looked it up on WebMD!

I can now bench press almost twice my body weight!

They found Osama Bin Laden! He begged for mercy! They made him say "Freedom!" fifty times! One for every United State! They even made him say "Free-" for Guam and "-dom!" for Puerto Rico!

I have not had a negative thought about myself for over a week!

I just helped a friend discern his life calling!

Some just told me they love me!

My counselor just told me I'm not a misogynist!

My diet is so good and consistent that I barely need to use toilet paper!

Florida just sank! They allowed Osama Bin Laden to retract one of the "Freedoms!" he said!

Some crazy hobo just gave me $20 because he said he wanted to change the public's perception of hobos!

William Shatner is playing at Henry's! Right now!

I have new shoes that make me walk faster because the faster I walk the better my feet feel!

I just wrote a poem! This whole thing is like a poem!

My armpits don't even stink today!

Kansas just passed a law approving same sex marriages!

I just had an orgasm! Tantric!

We just annexed Wake Island! They made Osama Bin Laden say "Cheeseburger NASCAR Freedom!" because of it! And "Washington D.C.!"! And phalate a dildo! Thumbs up!

I was just accidentally credited with 12,000 frequent flier miles!

I just won an ebay auction for a first edition of The Maximus Poems for $17!

Just kidding! To everything above!

But, given a blank map of Africa, I can fill in all the country names! And last night someone told me that I was handsome while I was standing in a street with them! And somebody else just text messaged me, right this minute as I am typing this, and told me that I was handsome because she is funny! What a funny thing to say! And I got a free coffee! And I ate mango tofu that was delicious and the waiter made a funny face when he saw that I tipped him $5 on an $8 bill! It made my night! And I'm winning in 4 of my 7 fantasy baseball leagues! And Henry's is open till 2am with free internet and free coffee for me and people that are cool and nice! Their faces are free! And I have a cool computer. And I am privileged enough to blog! I am a white middle class male living in America! I fucking suck a shit-stained spaniel corpse! It's fucking great!

5 comments:

Gabe said...

my brain just exploded.

Gabe said...

my pants just exploded.

matthew christman said...

My freedom is engorged.

A. J. Patrick Liszkiewicz said...

Who are you and why are we not friends?!

A. J. Patrick Liszkiewicz said...

Send me the essay. I'm AJ, your new friend.