Miranda July should please make a cocaine-like powder of her soul and sell it on-line.
I would buy this and snort Miranda July soul powder like cocaine, but not through a rolled up dollar bill -- through a piece of rolled up pink construction paper or through a pink straw.
Through a pink straw that is not made of plastic but of pink 100% recycled paper made by Good Will Industries, or by inmates.
I will travel to jails to make these straws with inmates. Maybe I will travel with Young at Heart, the group of elderly people who travel to jails and other places to sing covers of classic rock songs.
They can sing rock songs and afterwards I make pink straws with inmates from 100% recycled paper and non-toxic dyes.
After this tour, by the end of this tour, when it's over, Miranda July will have figured out how to put some of her soul into a powder form and will have mailed it to me as a surprise.
Miranda July will send her soul powder to me first because she will be so happy about me making pink straws out of 100% recycled paper with inmates because plastic is bad for people and for dogs, and because working with inmates is good, and Miranda July likes people and she likes dogs and she probably likes straws but maybe she doesn't drink out of them because they are plastic and plastic is bad.
She will reveal all this to me with a note that comes with her soul powder in an envelope in the mail that is waiting for me when I get home from touring with Young at Heart.
When I open the envelope someone will think it's anthrax, and call the police and other authorities like the FBI, CIA, and the National Guard, and Miranda July will go to jail for it.
I will feel really awful about it, because I do not want Miranda July to go to jail. I will steal the Miranda July soul powder back and snort it with a pink straw made by me and some inmates from 100% recycled paper and non-toxic dyes.
"Because that's the way Miranda would have wanted it," I will say as I snort.
When I am done, I will send Miranda July a cassette tape each day and hope that she can listen to them.
I will also visit her in jail and use 100% recycled paper and non-toxic dye to make straws with her and other inmates so that she can use straws because she wants to but won't because most straws, because normal straws, because bad straws are plastic and plastic is bad.
I will also send her one book of Family Circus cartoons, one book of Garfield cartoons, and my own soul dust, which I learned to make by studying the molecular structure of her soul dust and taking an organic chemistry course at the University of Kansas.
When Miranda July gets out of jail, when she gets out, just as soon as she does, I will tell her I am sorry, and thank you, and here is a pink straw I made just for you out of 100% recycled paper and non-toxic dyes.