Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I'm in debt. You probably are too.

I just read this article.

I'm not sure what I think. I don't really know enough to say anything intelligent, but here are some unintelligent things:

All that needed to be done was to keep buying and selling each other’s houses with money borrowed from the Chinese.

This is what I've been doing, on a very, very microscopic level, for several years already, and I'm only 26. I've paid off US Bank with US Bank's money and Bank of America with Discover's money, and Discover with money borrowed from the feds. Can I keep doing it? Who wants to bet? I'm thinking of making a balance transfer right now. They will charge me 4%. What do I care? I'll be dead. I can make credit card payments with a different credit card or something.

My grandma died and left me money. Let's vote on what I should do with it:

If we, as "subprime borrowers," keep borrowing and are never able to pay it back, how long will it take for "the system" to collapse? If I get like 10 more credit cards and run them up and start a cult where every person does the same thing and then we all kill ourselves so that creditors have to eat the debt will Wall Street implode? Because if it would, I would do that. Also, we would have to buy things that we could destroy so as to leave no assets for the creditors. Would that change things in the world? Because I'd do it.

Who wants to join my cult? Here are some benefits:

1) Get to watch a lot of big screen TVs at once, with surround sound, on leather couches. DVDs, CDs, Fender Stratocasters.

2) Meals catered by anyone you want (provided they accept VISA).

3) Expensive things.

4) Gambling.

5) Gold staplers/staples (you think you don't want them, but once you have them you will not be able to remember how you lived before you had them).

6) You could probably manage to get laid if you were having trouble with that to start with, because people will think you are rich, and people like to have sex with rich people.

7) Nearly endless less expensive things like coffee mugs, candy, pens, cell phones, etc.

8) Get to smash everything above that is not eaten with big ass hammers.

9) Maybe there will be an awesome Koreshian shoot-out at the end. But we probably shouldn't kill anyone other than ourselves. We want to be remembered as the heroes that brought about the collapse of "the system."

Here are some drawbacks:

1) You will probably be seen as crazy because you are in a cult.

1.a) This might actually hurt your chances of getting laid if you are already having trouble with that, but if you are not having trouble with it, you can probably continue to get laid.

2) You have to kill yourself (but we'll wait at least 5 years or something like that, so you can enjoy yourself and say that you lived a good life).

That sounds pretty good to me. We're going to have to buy a shitload and an assload of shit though.


Dennis said...

If you publish chapbooks written by Charles Bukowski's ghost, with you as the "ghost writer" (ha!), you can make the sweet moolah!

kevin.thurston said...

i think i'm down with this. do we all have to live together?

Weevil said...

I'd ask you for two hundred if I had no shame. It would go to PhD applications I can't afford unless I put them on (you guessed it!) a credit card.

What's death in five years? I had a good spin. I'd make sure the next five are great.

I could even convince my family this is the responsible thing to do. Because if I stay in school, the debts will get bigger. Dying is cheaper.

Give the money to the troops. They need our support. Give the money to the disaster capitalists and the private contractors who could overthrow half the world's governments just by themselves. They will get it in the end, anyway.

Lordy. You know in 1898 they used to swallow blasting caps in prison cells to protest this shit. We can't do that now because they'd make money off of it. Contractors to remove the bodies, private firms to build more prisons, contracts to keep the rabble under surveillance, news media to exploit our "dangerous" backgrounds and turn us into terrorists


Kids who used to believe in a future.

At least the Coen brothers have an idea of where we're heading. But they get paid too.

Weevil said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mike H said...

"Support Our Troops" seems so vague that's it's hard to resist on a ah-lets-just-fuck-around-since-the-whole -ship-is-sinking-anyway tip, but I'd say no matter what take the money and use it to better yourself and then your friends etc. (Maybe huge cheezburger [veggie if you like] ...ass stipend for current and former Actual Kansas entertainers)

Robert J. said...

Dennis: you can be my business manager.

Kevin: no, we can live in various places for the five years, but we might want to come together for a shoot out. If we skip that part, we'll have to synchronize the mass-suicide.

Jesse: I'll get you the $200 when I see you in December.

Mike: thank you for the compliment. You are very high on the list of Mitzvah Chapbook nominees.

cush-bomb said...

I say, give it to people you like.

You like me, right?

As for the dying thing, I'm afraid that it probably wouldn't do much to end the system: I'm sure there's a provision in the recently passed Bankrupcy bill to ensure that the credit card companies could get their money back by harvesting our organs for the black market, or selling our relatives into slavery.

anne said...

Cush: shit.

tamara said...

1. chapbooks
2. debt

Weevil said...

If you give me two hundred dollars, I will rip off your testicles and sell them to the black market for further monies to give to the Chinese.

anne said...

You know I don't think I wrote "Cush: Shit."

Was that Scott Pierce?

Robert J. said...

anne, that was me posting as you when i was at your house for collages and pizza.

that was good, by the way.

cush bomb said...

Are you saying that I'm shit, or that I'm THE shit?

Robert J. said...

no i am saying "shit" to the fact that my plan will make no diff -- you pointed that out -- that's why i said shit to you

anne said...

oh good, I'm glad to know it was you Robert. I didn't think I did mysterious drunk blog commenting this weekend!

What else did you do in my name on the internet?