Friday, September 23, 2005

The reason for the season . . . is pleasin'!!!

I think I had to create this blogspace when I registered to comment on Matthew Christman's blog, Hand Jobs for Third Stringers. At the time I didn't think that I'd use it for anything other than the random obnoxious line to pass along between a few friends. Then, today I thought that maybe I should use this space for something that I've wanted to do for a long time: name things. Mostly, I will name things having to do with music -- muiscal groups of all genres and temperments, songs, and albums. But I will also comment and reflect on the naming of things in general (by the way, appropriately, "The Naming of Things" is the name of a pretty good song by a very good artist, Andrew Bird).

To start, let's have a little cross-genre discussion. I hate it when the quality of a name does not fit the quality of the thing it signifies. I was reminded of one such mismatch today when reading about the Senate Judiciary Committee's vote to approve the appointment of Judge [>insert name of whatever conservative wingnut was ushered into the Supreme Court today<]. It mentioned Utah senator Orrin G. Hatch. Fabulous name, shitty fucking human being. (Not to mention, shitty fucking musician. Seriously, he has his own pathetic little music site and some stupid cds, which if you purchase, I'm sure the proceeds go directly to fund beatdowns of homosexuals everywhere.) To begin, his first name and middle initial bear a striking similarity to the rapper/genius that brought us the classic "Regulate" -- Warren G. Orrin G. Warren G. Do it. That, and Orrin has something to do with that freaky ass movie, Neverending Story -- I think the Orin was that snake thing that Sebastian and Atreyu both had. That, and Orrin Hatch just sounds good.

But, Orrin G. Hatch sucks. I mentioned already that his music sucks a fucking shit fuck. I know that and I haven't even heard it. So what if he plays five instruments. There's something about an old-ass Republican senator from Utah that just makes me think the recordings sound like a bloated fetal corpse being squeezed like a bagpipe by a Scottish retard. The rest of his suckiness has to do with the facts that, as I also just mentioned, he's old, Republican, and from Utah. Let's talk about him being old: he's 71 years old. That's old nuts, man. Old people smell, they're bad drivers, and they only ever talk about what they ate that day. Case-in-point: Sen. Hatch just proposed a bill to have Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI) fix him a BLT at the commencement of every Judiciary Committee meeting. (Clause 12.b. notes that Mr. Hatch doesn't like his bread too toasty.) So, Hatch is old, and he is to suck. Next, he's Republican. Does he stand to make a hefty profit, or does he stand with the terrorists? I don't pretend to know where he stands on all of "the issues", but it's probably enough to know that he stands in Utah. Republican; Utah: Suck; Suck.

On the other hand, a bad name for a good thing, consider the band Bedhead. One of my favorites of all time, masters of crescendo and epiphany, minimalists with five guitarists, they know not how to choose a name. When the two main members, brothers Matt and Bubba Kadane broke Bedhead up and got a new band, they didn't do much better naming the new one either: The New Year. Great band, mediocre name. I would have renamed Bedhead "What Sound!" -- during the soft beginnings, when you can barely hear Matt Kadane singing, it would be all like, "What sound?" And then when the crescendo comes, it would be like "What SOUND!"

So . . .

Good Names of the Day

Orrin G. Hatch
What Sound!
Viola Ritz (an old lady I used to cut lawn for)

Bad Names of the Day

The New Year

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